Teletubby Nightmares
by starfruit
Summary: 4 strange people arrive in Teletubby land. Divorces,kareoke,and nuclear weapons etc. It's official - i'm insane.
1. Default Chapter

Dedicated to Charlotte, Laura and Emma. Don't kill me. Please.  
  
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One day – in teletubby land, Po was the first teletubby to wake up.  
  
'Eh – oh!' said cheerful little Po, in an incredibly annoying voice. 'Eh – oh!'  
  
'Oh look Po!' said the narrator. 'It's a lovely day! Why don't you go and skip around in the sunshine?' Po looked out the window, then at Dipsy. 'Yes I know Dipsy is your boyfriend Po, but you can still skip around in the sunshine while he is asleep.' Po took 5 minutes to consider this astoundingly simple premise. 'Eh – oh!'  
  
Po went outside, and skipped around in the sunshine. Then Po saw a sparkly blue light. 'Oooooh!' said Po, thinking It was yet another of those stupid animations. 'Oooooh!'  
  
Suddenly, the sparkly blue light magically turned into a door. 'Ooooh!' said Po. Then, 4 figures suddenly appeared in the light. 'Oooooh!' said Po. Then, one of the figures started to talk. 'Where the shit are we?' it said. 'Ooooh!' said Po. Then, another of the figures began to talk, 'That's it, I am not eating school food again!'  
  
'Oooooh!' said Po. 'Po shut up, that is getting on my nerves' said the narrator.  
  
Then, the 4 figures stepped out of the doorway, and walked across the hill. It was 4 people. The first person was very short, she had stupid fluffy hair and an evil grin. The second person was slightly taller than the scary one, she had dark hair and had a panicked expression on her face. Another of them had brown hair, and was smiling at the rabbits. She was wearing pink trousers. And the other one was very tall – she had blonde, quite long hair and was kicking the rabbits.  
  
'Oooooh!' said Po.  
  
The 4 people walked over to Po. Po smiled at them, 'Eh – oh!'  
  
The one with the pink trousers jumped and hid behind the tall one. 'Waah!' she screamed.  
  
The short one walked right up to Po and prodded her stomach. The other one looked scared.  
  
Po smiled again – then pointed at herself. 'Po.' She said. The short one pointed at the others. 'Katie, Laura and Charlotte. I'm Emma.'  
  
Po smiled again. 'Emma?'  
  
'Yes' said Emma. That's what I said.  
  
Po smiled and pointed at herself. 'Po.' She said.  
  
'We know.' Said Laura.  
  
'Emma.' Said Po, quite pleased with herself.  
  
'Are you an airhead or something?' said Emma.  
  
'Po!' said Po.  
  
Laura nodded, 'an airhead of the worst kind – a teletubby.'  
  
'Oh shit!' said Katie.  
  
'What?' said Charlotte.  
  
'We're not going to be able to get back!' panicked Katie. 'We don't know how we got here – so how do we get back?'  
  
'Um…' said Emma.  
  
'Well…' began Charlotte.  
  
But Po grabbed Emma and Laura by the hands and started skipping along back to the tubby house!  
  
Laura screamed 'Don't touch me you freak!!'  
  
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Dipsy, Tinky-Winky, La-la and Noo noo were all very pleased that they had visitors. Emma enjoyed teasing the teletubbies, but was scared of noo-noo – the vacuum cleaner. Laura liked to kick the rabbits and teach the baby in the sun swear-words. Katie became addicted to the 'tubby-tustard' and Charlotte ate nothing but tubby-toast.  
  
Then, Charlotte remembered how they came to be In teletubby land. 'We were at Emma's house. Then she passed round some…ciggarettes.'  
  
'Why on earth did you touch the ciggarettes? They are very bad for you!' Said the narrator. 'But Emma said they had no tabacco in them – so we all had a smoke' said Charlotte.  
  
'Well they had no tabacco in them that's for sure!' Said Emma.  
  
The teletubbies laughed.  
  
Katie spoke up. 'Well I don't mind if we're stuck here forever.' She said, as she finished a bowl of 'tubby-tustard'. This sugary pink goo makes up for no chocolate! And its calorie free!'  
  
'No it's not' said the narrator. 'I said it was calorie-full. 5000 calories a teaspoon!'  
  
'Really?' said a panicked Katie. 'I've already had about 10 bowls. Oh – it doesn't matter, I can lose the weight skipping around.'  
  
'No you can't' said the narrator. 'It is impossible to lose weight in teletubby land!'  
  
'Why?' said Emma. Curious as always.  
  
'Because the BBC thought it would promote eating disorders among two year olds! Haven't you ever wondered why the teletubbies are so pudgy?'  
  
'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!' screamed Katie, 'Nooooooooo!!!!'  
  
'Hehehe!' chuckled Laura.  
  
'Mmm! Tubby toast!' said Charlotte.  
  
'Damn Tinky-Winky stole my handbag' said Emma. The others turned to look at her.  
  
'Trust you to make friends with the homosexual teletubby!' said Laura and Charlotte. 


	2. Chapter 2.

Charlotte, Laura, Katie and Emma had spent almost a year in Teletubby land. They were enjoying it immensely. Emma was dating Tinky-Winky – and they shared the handbag. Dipsy and Laura were secretly having it off – and Charlotte was married. To the tubby-toast machine. They were all having a lot of fun.  
  
One day – Charlotte and Po went for a walk. Po giggled and was stupid, like she normally was. Charlotte was seeing how high she could kick the rabbits – Po wanted to be on her scooter, but Laura had smashed it over her head when Po guessed that Dipsy and Laura were having it off. Po wasn't very happy about that.  
  
Charlotte asked Po what she thought about her husband – the tubby toast machine. 'Do you think he loves me?' she said. Po giggled – she didn't understand a word, the whack on the head with the scooter had damaged most of her remaining tubby-brain cells. 'Nooooo!' she said.  
  
Charlotte kicked Po. 'Stupid crappy red…thing!' she said. 'What do you know about my marriage…piss off!'  
  
Po walked off…and bumped into Laura – who was wearing Dipsy's big hat. Po ran away screaming – she was very afriad of Laura. Laura walked up to Charlotte 'Hiya freak!'  
  
'Hi…'  
  
'What's wrong with you?'  
  
'I don't think my marriage is working out. I'm sick of tubby-bloody-toast.'  
  
'Really?' Laura could tell that Charlotte was very upset. 'What do you think of my hat? Dipsy gave it to me.'  
  
'Dipsy 'your lover' Dipsy?'  
  
'Nooo…Dipsy 'green teletubby' Dipsy.'  
  
'Everyone knows you two are having it off.'  
  
'We are not…okay maybe we are. How did you find out?'  
  
'Everyone knows.' Charlotte needed to go find a rabbit to kick. 'Bye…you useless stupid delinquent…' she mumbled, under her breath.  
  
'Bye bye!' Laura cheerfully replied. 'See you later…I'm gonna go see where the other two are.'  
  
It turned out that Katie and Emma were smoking…something. They were sitting on the grass and smiling. 'Hiya!' Emma said as Laura sat down next to them. 'Want some?'  
  
'Where did you find those?' Laura said – as she accepted the joint.  
  
'In Tinky-Winky's handbag.'  
  
'Right…'  
  
10 minutes later…  
  
'WE ALL LIVE IN A YELLOW SUBMARINE…A YELLOW SUBMARINE…A YELLOW PINK AND BLUE AND PURPLE AND PINK UNDERWATER NAVAL DIVING MACHINE!!!!!!!!!'  
  
Katie screamed. She had been pretty quiet until Noo Noo had spiked the tubby-tustard.  
  
'SHUT UP SLAG!' Shouted Laura. 'I can't hear myself not think.'  
  
'I feeeeeeeeeeeel sick…'  
  
'Do I look like I give a shit? No. I don't.'  
  
'I'm gonna throw uuuuuuuuuuuuuuup!'  
  
'Well do it quietly.'  
  
'Okay.' Katie pulled of Laura's hat and threw up in that. Just as Laura was about to do something seriously violent…Charlotte came in the doorway. 'I've made a decision.' She said – seriously.' 'I'm…'  
  
She walked up to her husband, the tubby toast machine. 'I'm leaving you. I want a divorce.'  
  
Everyone was silent…then – the tubby toast machine spat out a round piece of tubby toast. It flew across the room, and smashed a window. Charlotte started to shout. 'There's no need to get violent!'  
  
Laura started laughing…you married a toaster!!'  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
More coming soon, will Charlotte split up with the toaster? Will Emma realise she is going out with an airhead? Will Katie ever find out who spiked the tubby-tustard, and will Laura accidentally put her hat on?  
  
Who knows? Apart from me…who should be revising for her exams.  
  
REVIEW! 


	3. Chapter.3 - the divorce party.

Charlotte's party.  
  
'I WANT A DIVORCE PARTY!' Screamed Charlotte one day.  
  
'Me tooooo!' added Laura, who was slightly stoned.  
  
'Don't be an eeeediot – you're not divorced.' Charlotte said as she hit Laura round the head.  
  
'Right.' Laura nodded and carried on smoking as she remembered you had to be divorced to have a divorce party. But hey, if Charlotte got a divorce party, why couldn't she have one?  
  
'Hey Emma.'  
  
'Huh?' Emma looked up from her beer.  
  
'Marry me!' Laura asked.  
  
'No.'  
  
'Fair enough.' Laura said.  
  
The divorce party was all planned. Katie sent out the invitations, Emma got the beer, Charlotte got her pink trousers ready, and Laura sat on the floor and shouted at them all.  
  
'You're doing that wrong!' she snapped. 'Hang that banner over…there!'  
  
Emma left Laura to shout at inanimate objects while she went to find out what was wrong with Katie. She was sitting at her desk surrounded by paper, and looking at the party list. No sooner had she walked up to her, she told Emma to piss off.  
  
'Piss off I'm busy.'  
  
'Fine. What's the problem?'  
  
'Well for a start, rabbit 1, 4, 36, and 257 haven't said whether they'll be coming or not. And I don't know whether to invite the annoying lady.'  
  
'Which one?'  
  
'The one in their TV screens on their belly that tells a pointless story about a naughty duck, then hands out pretend tea, and invisible biscuits to the children.'  
  
'NO! INVITE HER AND YOU DIE!!!!'  
  
'Okay, I'll put maybe, shall I?'  
  
  
  
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Later, in smelly-tubby land…  
  
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Charlotte stood at the bar. No-one had turned up. She figured that 'someone' would bugger up the invitations. What she didn't know was that it was Laura who had forgotten to post them.  
  
'Hey Dipsty!' give me…two pints please. In a big jug. With a straw – wait – two straws. And a cocktail umbrella. Blue.'  
  
Dipsy obliged. Charlotte took out the straws, put them in her ears and stuck the mini-umbrella in her hair. She gulped down the beer. 'And the same again.'  
  
()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()(  
  
Charlotte stood by the kareoke machine. 'I will survive! I will survive, as long as I have beer to drink I might just stay alive!' She drunkenly slurred. Tinky-Winky watched her, she was getting the words wrong, he thought. It was – 'as long as I have weetabix I might just stay alive'. She was so stupid.  
  
When Laura, Katie and Emma found Laura, she was singing S-club-7 songs.  
  
'It's serious now!!!!!' screamed Laura. 'Charlotte, stop it! Sing some rock music! R & B, ANYTHING!'  
  
Charlotte giggled. 'It's pure and simple! A yeh yeh! I'll be…'  
  
Laura screamed and ran out the room.  
  
Emma blocked her ears and tried to turn off the music. 'Not – hear'say!'  
  
'Not Hear'Say!' Katie panicked as Emma managed to turn off the music. Dipsy looked disappointed.  
  
Laura ran back in, armed with a pair of fluffy earmuffs.  
  
'Laura, it's okay. The music is off!' screamed Emma.  
  
'What?'  
  
Emma shouted again.  
  
'What?'  
  
And again.  
  
'What? I can't hear you. Is the music off?'  
  
Emma nodded. Laura removed the ear-muffs. 'Good.'  
  
The three turned to a drunk-passed out Charlotte lying, smiling on the table. Emma sighed. 'And the stripper hasn't even arrived yet!'  
  
'Shit, what if she chokes on her own vomit?' asked the clever one. (Moi! J/k)  
  
'Cool!' screamed Laura. 'I've never seen anyone do that before!'  
  
Emma and Katie dragged Charlotte off to the hospital while Laura (shock horror!) _thought_ about something. 'Why was only Dipsy and Tinky Winky in this chapter?' she thought. 'Where are the other two?'  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Over the hills and far away, La-la and Po, are having fun. They are having fun building a nuclear weapon. They are planning to destroy Teletubby land. Eh oh!  
  
To be continued… 


End file.
